Here is a photo of my four-year-old coloring with chalk.
Energy is Underrated
and the question of survivor’s guilt…
10/16/24
If you see people going through difficult things, even (maybe especially) if you don’t understand it, please say a prayer for them to have peace. Life is hard, but it’s easier when we intentionally think well about each other.
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Yesterday morning my four-year-old told me about a nightmare she had a long time ago, when she was three. I had heard about this nightmare when she first had it and it was interesting to me that she was revisiting it.
In this nightmare she seemed to be playing pretend with a group of people, probably children. Anyway, they were making her pretend to be Jesus. Then they pretended to try and kill her. She didn’t want to pretend this, so she ran and hid. They found her, so she ran and hid again and again until I believe she finally, mercifully woke up.
When she revisited this nightmare with me yesterday I told her that was a very valuable dream to have. I explained to her about how Jesus didn’t want to die either. In fact, just before he was captured, He prayed to God, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”
I told my daughter that having a dream where people were trying to kill you, and you were running away, was an important experience because it helped her learn empathy for Jesus. It’s hard to come by genuine empathetic experiences, ones where we can have almost a simulation of walking in someone else’s shoes. But a dream is a great way to happen upon these sorts of things.
She seemed to understand what I was saying very well. I’m so proud of her for this next part. She said that she wants to have the nightmare again so she can learn to how to have even more empathy for Jesus.
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This was in my head all day yesterday.
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The other things in my head included confusion for my extreme lack of energy. I was barely able to move all day. It wasn’t depression, overwhelm, or sloth - which are my typical reasons for non movement. It was something else. Just no energy. I wasn’t experiencing any poor mental health, I just physically did not have the energy to function.
This is not something I experience often. Today my energy has returned with gusto and I’m able to compare the me of today to the me of yesterday very closely.
- - -
Over the last two weeks, or so, I believe I’ve had some sort of virus. It started with a sore throat. Then my voice completely disappeared for a day and has slowly been coming back. Over the course of that time I’ve had entire days of zero energy, and other days with complete energy, like today. It’s been confusing and scary, especially yesterday when I began to feel like “this might just be my life now.” (That’s a cognitive distortion that I often struggle with. It’s a blend of overgeneralization and catastraphizing.) Besides that cognitive distortion that flickered in and out of my head a little throughout the day, I didn’t actually experience any poor mental health. And just to reiterate, my mental health wasn’t the fuel for my lack of energy, my body just... didn’t have any.
I found myself observing it closely. I kept thinking, “is this in my head?” and “maybe if I just go outside and walk around a little bit I’ll feel better?” and “you’re probably just lacking energy because you’ve been lying in bed, I bet if you get up and move around you’ll get it back.” But these things were all untrue. I was pretty certain of that at the time, but not fully certain. It was a really annoying back and forth in my mind, which was not helpful at all, and actually started to feel kind of painful, as if there was a big brother type figure standing near me asking those questions and not fully grasping the painfulness of my situation. I started to imagine how frustrating living a life of this low energy all the time would be.
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I have several friends who suffer from various health issues that cause low energy. Some of them are really good at articulating how difficult this is to experience on a daily basis. But I don’t think I’ve ever been able to hear them all the way. I’ve tried, but I don’t think I’ve been trying hard enough.
My own personal human experience has dealt a great deal with poor mental health. Because of this, I’m constantly on the look out (trying to stay awake for *wink*) others battling poor mental health. This is good... sometimes. But my depletion of energy over these last couple weeks has shown me how physical health can be very separate from mental health. And if a person is explaining how frustrating and difficult their physical health is, they probably won’t receive comfort from me if I start giving them encouragement about what I perceive to be their poor mental health. In fact, they might actually feel pain from my misunderstanding.
Did you know that it’s possible to hurt someone by attempting to comforting them with deeply loving intentions?
It is.
It’s happened to me and I’m also sure that I’ve done it.
- - -
“The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”
Proverbs 20:5
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Today I have so much energy I’ve been getting all the things done that I couldn’t over the last two weeks. I’ve even been running around my house. And now I have survivor’s guilt for my friends who are trapped in the world of chronic depleted energy. I feel guilty even having the energy to write this. But I also want to document it in support of them. I’m going to say this again,
“If you see people going through difficult things, even (maybe especially) if you don’t understand it, please say a prayer for them to have peace. Life is hard, but it’s easier when we intentionally think well about each other.”
That’s what I had energy to write yesterday.
- - -
I don’t know what thoughts I’ve been tempted to think about my friends lacking in energy in the past. But if I was actually experiencing it and still asking myself all those hurtful questions about it being in my head, does that mean that I am a person who asks those questions in my head about my friends? I’m unsure. It’s hard to hear those thoughts, even when we say them out loud. But I’m going to be on the close lookout for them, because I want to eliminate them, and then grow out of that habit. Those are not good thoughts to have. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to encourage people to get fresh air and give them helpful solutions, but if they’ve already tried them all and they’re just trying to communicate their grief to you, it’s time to just sit and listen and tell them that you’re sorry they have to go through this. And even though you don’t fully understand, you’d love to pray for them and support them in whatever they need.
And honestly, even if you don’t understand what they’re going through, when you just say, “hey I hear what you’re saying. That sucks so much. I’m so sorry you have to go through this,” that does so much more healing than any ounce of unsolicited advice you can imagine.
- - -
Several years ago, a friend of mine told me that he wanted to start a blog. He had a lot of things to write, but he wasn’t sure if it was going to work out or not.
This friend suffers from low energy a lot.
Today I’m grieving the lack of his blog. His life experience is vast and filled with love and knowledge. I would much rather be reading his words than writing my own.
When he first told me that, several years ago, I believe it planted a seed for me to start writing. I never used to write, but when he said this, the idea summoned an old forgotten dream.
It’s a confusing emotion. There’s no word for it. This emotion that is wrapped up inside this seed. He said this seed of hope out loud and by doing so, it duplicated and planted a seed of hope in me. And I’ve written a lot of things since then. But as far as I know, he hasn’t written very much, maybe anything.
I’m so grateful for the seed that has now grown into a garden of hope in me. But I mourn its dormant brother seed. This is a very complicated survivor’s guilt. I don’t interact with this friend on a very regular basis. If I did, I could see my own writing seed feeling tempted to go dormant, out of respect for his grief.
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Intersect’s summer exhibition, Evidence of Joy, is coming to a close at the end of next week.
Writing the catalog for that exhibit taught me the importance of carrying joy for others who can’t because their grief is all they can hold. I suppose this reflection is just another extension of that. Even though my friend is not writing, I will write things like this out of respect and love for him.
If you find yourself feeling exasperated or confused by a person who moves slowly, consider how different their life is from yours. Maybe one day you’ll have a dream where you are that person and you too can practice the deep empathy that my four-year-old was able to practice in her nightmare, a long time ago, when she was three.
