A Visual Prayer to Always Be Thankful

11/23/23

A little over a year ago, I was living my life in the normal way I do. Everything around me was pretty wonderful, but I was choosing to see it as kind of bad. So I was grumbling and complaining around the house about all the “things I needed to do” and whatever else I could find to complain about. I was very specifically irritated about one thing that was really starting to make me very angry. I’m not going to get too into it, but I can tell you that it definitely wasn’t worth my level of frustration. 

Then my friend had a heart attack.

Now the only thing in my mind was this. I was terrified. And I was assuming the worst. I prayed and prayed, but I continued to assume the worst. I filled my mind with fear and dread. I begged God to save him and keep him alive!

Then he was fine. Everything was fine. God kept him safe.

...and I almost went back to living my life in the normal way I do, finding anything I could to complain about, while my life was, in fact, wonderful. But then I thought... “wait a minute... why do I spend so much of my life in some form of grief, either caused by things in the world, or caused by my own obnoxiously creative brain? I feel like any time something great happens, I rejoice for one second, and then return to moping or complaining about something else. Why do I spend 75% of my time upset and only 25% of my time rejoicing - if that? I should work to flip those numbers....”

And so I painted this. It’s titled, A Visual Prayer to Always Be Thankful. I made it in specific thanksgiving for the recovery of my friend. 

The left side, the red semi-circle, symbolizes how much time and space I would like to reserve for grief or dread, because in this world, there will inevitably be some. And the right side symbolizes how much space I want to fill with rejoicing and gratitude. Painting it was a prayer. And now whenever I look at it, it is always another prayer. So feel free to have that prayer when you look at it as well : )

Several months later I painted this new one, with the intention of giving it to my friend who had the heart attack.

Hopefully, now that I’ve written this all down, I will finally frame it and give it to him as a late Thanksgiving gift when I see him at church on Sunday. 

In early October I painted this one:

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This is a good week to be revisiting these visuals. Not only because it’s Thanksgiving, but also because I just learned on Tuesday that I’ve had a second miscarriage. My first one was six months ago today. 

I heard this verse on Tuesday morning at Concordia Seminary’s chapel service. It was perfect timing because I was waiting for test results that would confirm whether or not I had had a miscarriage. 

Phillipians 4:4-9 

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

The sermon on it was great. I’ll probably go back and listen to it several times. 

The thing I remember the most was a moment when the pastor said that if you have a tendency to be melancholic, and you are sad, you should try to go and be around people.

I understood why he said this. When I am depressed, I do not want to be around people. I want to stay in my house, by myself, definitely not talk to anyone, and certainly not make eye contact with anyone. 

But my reflections on my own depression and mental health over the last years have taught me that if I just look at someone in the eyes, that eye contact has the power to pull my soul out of the depression. 

Anyway, after I received the sad results that afternoon, my husband stayed home with me and we had a nice afternoon, mourning together. Now I am in Chicago celebrating Thanksgiving with my parents until Saturday. 

I keep wanting to retreat into a place by myself where I won’t talk to anyone. I want to go be alone and not look at anyone. But I have a community that keeps drawing me into it. Which is good. Next week, I’ve already committed to many art exhibiting and music making things. Which is good. If I wasn’t committed to those things, and my church community, and my family, I would do everything in my power to find a dark room to crawl into and stay there. 

I didn’t even want to write this. This feels like homework to me right now. I’m not extremely inspired or driven, but I’ve made an internal commitment to send something out of my personal newsletter once a month, so here we are. I’m afraid that it may be sloppy, but at least it’s honest and raw and talks about struggles that other people may go through - which is what I try to do. 

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I’ve been reading this book to my girls as I’ve been anxious about this baby. Last week I had an ultrasound, but things didn’t look right. On Monday I had another one, and things still didn’t look right. As I’ve read this story over and over, every time, I feel like Fletcher holding onto the last leaf. I’m trying so hard to keep the season from changing, because I don’t understand what winter means yet. 

Now that it is winter for my baby, I try “not be anxious about anything”, so I pray to God, “I know that my baby is more beautiful than ever, but is it alright?” And the tiny breeze blows the fall leaves outside my window and I can hear the sound of God nodding. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

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This morning, I attended a thanksgiving service at my dad’s church and he preached a really wonderful sermon on Phillipians 4:4-9 as well. Between Fletcher and the Falling leaves, and getting to hear two sermons on this bible verse this week, I feel like God is just giving me a big hug and not letting go 💛

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One other little tid bit… when I first created The Visual Prayer to Always Be Thankful, I was a little disturbed by how much the semi-circle looked like a pregnancy “gone wrong.” But now that I’ve been through two, I actually find it very comforting.

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Praise be to God for Paul the Apostle who wrote to the Phillipians about giving thanks to God, even from prison. Praise be to God for keeping my friend safe throughout his heart attack. Praise be to God for author Julia Rawlinson and illustrator Tiphanie Beeke. Praise be to God for healthcare providers who work tirelessly every day, even when they often have to tell people some really really sad news. And Praise be to God for pastors who deliver the good news of God’s peace that surpasses understanding.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone : )