FOREWORD
In 2013, I was diagnosed with a weird case of late-onset Type-1 Diabetes and PTSD, as a twenty-four-year-old. A year later, I saw my old college boyfriend (now husband) for the first time in about four years. I seemed different to him. I told him that made sense because I was scared of the world now.

I spent ten years going to therapy, trying to get unscared of the world again. At some point, I realized that I had stopped making music and art. Two activities that used to be like breathing for me. I guess I shrugged it off, as if that just wasn’t my identity anymore. Meanwhile I continued to do a lot of hard work towards fearlessness, or at least less anxiety, and made little bits of progress. But it always felt like I was taking two steps forward and one step back.

I became a mother in the fall of 2018. The pregnancy alone was terrifying. Type-1 diabetics are automatically deemed high-risk pregnancies, and are monitored constantly and with a lot of care, that can sometimes feel like fear. There were a lot of scary moments that happened during that pregnancy, which I will not enclose here, for the sake of time. Needless to say, I entered into motherhood with a great deal of fear.

Cut to February 2020, when I’ve just found out I’m due to have another baby. Two weeks later, a wonderful man in our church unexpectedly died. As far as we knew, he just had a little virus. Then, suddenly, he was gone. You may be thinking it was Covid. To be honest, at that point, none of us were even thinking that yet. It turns out, it wasn’t Covid. But two weeks after his death, that was maybe the only word anyone could hear in their minds at night, as they tried to sleep. And the whole world boarded a roller coaster of fear. Every week was a different fear. And it went for two years, or so, depending on the person, and their circumstances. As I write, four years later, I think there are even some people who are still riding that roller coaster.

I was terrified. At the very beginning of the shut-downs they were listing a small group of people who were most susceptible to the virus, and likely to die, and diabetics were in that group. So I was scared for my own life, and for that of my baby. As time went on, a new fear developed. With all of the upheaval in the economy and various shut-downs across manufacturing plants, I grew very afraid that at some point I would not be able to receive my medication. Which would also be a death sentence for me.

So I was in a frozen state of fear. Basically just waiting to see how Covid would end me, and my baby. But it didn’t. We quarantined very carefully. She was born on August 31st, 2020, and despite a lot of other scary complications, Covid didn’t get me, or my baby. And neither did any of said complications, for that matter. But I was still pretty terrified of the world.

Then, a year later, a culmination of things happened over a series of months, and I woke up. I won’t address all of them here, but one big event was a moment where I found myself kneeling next to a file cabinet drawer, reading some words by the wonderful man from our church who had died two weeks before the Covid shut-downs began. It was a reflection that he had written to my church, back in the 90s. His faith and trust in God refreshed me, and lit up my eyes. It went like this:

DIAL PSALM 91 VERSE 1

“In an emergency, help is as close as three pushes on the phone keypad. Frequently, however, the difficult situations we face cannot be solved by human resources. Many times our crisis requires divine assistance. When that happens, we can call a different kind of 9-1-1-Psalm 91:1. “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” There we find the help of our Almighty God. This verse reminds us that God is our “shelter” and that we can find rest in His shadow.

Indeed, God is a refuge, a shelter when we are afraid. We need not fear life’s shadows when we abide under the shadow of God’s wings. That is the theme of this magnificent psalm. The psalmist makes it crystal clear in verse 10 of this psalm. “Then no harm will befall you.” That is God’s promise-sure, clear, abiding. His ways with us are always good. His judgment is better than ours.

Well, then, is the Christian sick? Sickness can be God’s blessing in disguise. Does the believer suffer loss? In Christ we have eternal gain through the gift of everlasting life. Does the Christian have an accident? For the Christian there are no accidents, for He who is aware of the sparrow’s fall guides every step of our way. Does the Christian die? Death is Christ’s gate to endless joy through His life, suffering, death, and resurrection.

Gladly, then, we can take to ourselves the promise, “Then no harm will befall you.” Dwelling in His secret place, we abide under the shadow of the Almighty-in our homes, on the job, on the road, in good times and bad, in life and in the hour of death.

When we face the crises of life, we often try to survive on our own. We forget what we need most, God’s protection and the comfort of His presence, are available for the asking. The next time spiritual danger strikes, call Psalm 91:1.”

Reading that immediately changed my life. I was certain that even though this man never had to ride the roller coaster of fear that had plagued this theme park of Covid more than the actual plague itself, it was pretty clear that he would have handled it just fine, with the help of the Most High of course.

His words gave me so many new tools to fight against the fear and anxiety I had been battling for a decade. I started making art again. I also started making music again, looking my performance anxiety in the face, so I could even do it in front of people. Even by myself sometimes! My first solo in church was dedicated to the man who wrote this reflection, Bob Lehr. I dedicated it to him, and to our current pastor, Pastor Bob, and his grandfather, also Pastor Bob, who had just died a few weeks earlier. I sang How Beautiful are the Feet from Handel’s Messiah.

The lyrics come from Isaiah 52:7;

How beautiful are the feet of them

That preach the gospel of peace

And bring glad tidings of good things!

I was so thankful to Bob Lehr for his glad tidings of good things. His reflection opened my eyes and I could see back to many many pastors who had been working alongside God to diminish my fear and anxiety, over the years. And now my thankfulness was overflowing. And it still is today. I have a new understanding for what it means to trust in God. And I will do my best to continue singing this song in dedication to Bob Lehr, and all of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!

- April Parviz

April 17, 2024

SLEEPERS ‘WAKE CHAPTER SIX - PSALM 91